I Don't Want my Kids to be Normal!

By Cindy Puhek (Contact)

"You're going to homeschool your children?! Aren't you afraid they won't grow up to be normal?" This question has been posed to most prospective homeschoolers by well-meaning family and friends. When I was confronted with this question as a young mother of preschoolers, I was very much afraid that, by keeping them home all day, I would create abnormal children who did not fit into society.

As a result of those fears, I vowed to give my children tons of activities outside the home in order to make up for opportunities for socialization and enrichment they would miss because they were not in a formal school. But a few years of homeschooling has changed my perspective. I not only got off the treadmill of trying to make sure my kids were normal, I have come to a firm conviction that I don't want my kids to be normal.

A Christian should never be "normal," homeschooler or no. According to Webster's Dictionary, normal means "conforming, adhering to, or constituting a usual or typical pattern." This sounds like the opposite of the call on Christians to not be conformed to the patterns of this world (Romans 12:2). Jesus calls all of us to a narrow path that few find (Matthew 7:13-14). If we are walking that narrow path, we have no chance of fitting in with the crowd on the broad path to destruction.

I have heard stories of some very different homeschooled children that have inspired me to embrace a "vision of abnormality" for my own children. One account I heard told of a homeschooled boy sharing his cookie with his mentally impaired sister who had none. This boy did not know anyone had witnessed his act of kindness, so he did not do this for the praise of men. Another story tells of a young boy who was saddened by his mother's grief over a miscarriage, and offered his savings to adopt a baby to comfort her. And I heard about yet another instance in which a young teenage girl started a business making cards for the purpose of giving 90% of her profits to missions. That type of generosity, kindness, and compassion were virtually unknown in my childhood.

Certainly the kids I grew up with could be compassionate, kind, and generous, but as a general rule, we were not. The playground bullies exploited weakness when it was exposed, and the rest of us did what we could to protect ourselves from their ridicule. We were all looking for a sense of self-worth and were doing our best to promote ourselves. After zealously promoting and protecting ourselves, there was very little energy left to think about others. On top of that, we learned on the playground that if we were not aggressive at grabbing our turn, we were left out. We were too busy making sure we got our fair share of anything good to think of being generous. Most of us cared little for our siblings. Our natural filial affection was destroyed in our quest to be accepted by our peers. Siblings, especially younger ones, were often a hindrance to our quest for popularity.

When I hear stories about amazingly different homeschooled kids, my heart cries out for my children to be abnormal like that. If I can raise unselfish, kind, generous children who love each other, then I have no doubt my family will make an impact for Christ even while my kids are young. These characteristics are so rare that my children will shine like stars in the midst of a "crooked and perverse nation" (Philippians 2:15-16).

So how do I raise my kids to be wonderfully abnormal like the children I read and hear about? I'm still answering that question for myself. I know it will not be by raising them the way the average child is raised. Things must be done radically different if a different result is desired. But although I don't have a firm road map, I have found a few things that are bearing good fruit in my children's lives.

The Power Of Prayer

First, I pray for my children. In our natural state, all human beings are destined to selfishness. So I pray that God will enable my kids to repent and to believe in Jesus and that He will give them hearts that long to know God. The vision I have caught from older, unique homeschooled children is laid before God and He is asked for wisdom and grace to bring this vision to fulfillment in my kids' lives. Without God's help and guidance, all of our efforts are in vain.

Upholding God's Standards

Second, the children are taught God's standards of behavior from His Word, and we try to uphold those standards in our household. It gives my kids a chance to exercise their new natures, instead of indulging natural, selfish tendencies. If they can be trained to think and act like Christ from day one, there will be less of their minds to renew when they independently present their bodies as living sacrifices to God (Romans 12:1). Here are two ways this is put into practice. First, we have the "law of kindness" (Proverbs 31:26) in our home which requires that the children's tone and words to one another be kind. This puts a stop to a lot of quarrelling because it is hard to quarrel when you are required to at least sound nice to your little brother when he is irritating you. Second, the kids are told that Jesus taught "it is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). They are encouraged to take God at His Word, even when the generosity only involves offering the last cookie to a sibling instead of grabbing it for self. These two rules go a long way in training my kids to be kind and generous.

Sibling Ministry

A third thing I do is try to teach the older children the important ministry and responsibility they have towards the younger children. Young siblings have an inborn love for the older siblings and a natural tendency to follow their example. I know this firsthand as I followed my older sister from an early age. I am so grateful that the path she blazed helped lead me to God and to the path of righteousness. I'm confident I would have followed her into sin just as readily as I followed her to Jesus. So my older kids are impressed with how important their example is to their younger brothers and sisters and how much their words of encouragement mean to them. They're reminded that the affection the younger children have for them is a precious gift from God. They can cultivate this gift with patience and kindness towards the little ones, or they can destroy this gift by being selfish and rejecting their siblings. This knowledge seems to have enhanced the older children's sense of duty, worth, and compassion. The children are more motivated to help with their siblings and play with the babies when they view this not as an infringement on their free time, but as service to Jesus.

The Value Of Isolation

A fourth practice is to limit the amount of time our children spend with other children. We are probably more isolated than most homeschoolers. I have two children under the age of two and I simply don't have enough energy to be running from activity to activity after all our daily duties are done. At the same time my babies were born, a close friend with whom we often socialized moved away, and it's hard to develop new social circles when the baby and the toddler need a nap every afternoon. I used to think that isolation was not only abnormal, but also unhealthy. But I discovered there are examples in the Bible of God isolating His people for a season. When the Israelites went to Egypt during the famine of Joseph's time, they were headed to isolation as a family. Since the Egyptians found shepherds repulsive (Genesis 46:34), there was no danger of the infant nation of Israel being assimilated into the pagan Egyptian culture through intermarriage or socializing.

I think sometimes God gives our families that same kind of isolation, at least for a season. It has allowed my family to work at breaking out of society's mold and figure out who God uniquely wants us to be. We are more isolated than I would have chosen, but the results have been amazing. The kids are content to be at home, I'm learning to be content at home, and I am also learning how to make home an exciting place to be. My children are not influenced by youth culture because they are not exposed. They do not know what the popular toy fads are currently. My daughter and I were in a toy store earlier this year and overheard a conversation about a toy that was so popular the store could not order more because the manufacturer was too far behind on orders. I was pleased when we had to ask the salesperson what toy had so captured America's children, because my daughter was blissfully ignorant of its existence. Being relieved of the constant battle with our godless culture has allowed us to develop a family culture centered on Christ. I doubt we will always be as isolated as we are now, but it has been a blessing to us for this time in our lives.

Input, Output

Realizing that what we put into our children is what will come out, we carefully screen and limit the media in our home. Children seem to have radar that searches for what is normal, and TV, movies, and books are geared to paint powerful pictures for them that are often far from Godly. At the same time we filter the bad, we try to give the kids positive examples of others who walked the road less traveled. We read missionary biographies. We read good pieces of literature featuring children who exhibit the characteristics I pray God will build into my children's lives. These books are often old, as most modern literature tries to draw pictures of "realistic" children who are far too normal to be held up as examples for my abnormal children in training. When we do read modern literature, we try to compare the behavior of the kids in the story to Scripture and analyze what they do right and wrong according to God's standards.

A Process Of Growth

My children still have fallen human natures just like their mother. Mom is learning and applying these principles in her own life even as she teaches them to her children. We have days when all we can do is apologize to one another and pray for grace so tomorrow will be better. But there is some good stuff going on here as well. My second grader often holds my hand affectionately in public or holds her little sister's hand on a family walk. The older children are often heard complimenting the younger children, and they regularly write loving notes to each other. Upon being asked who her best friend is, my oldest child named her little sister without hesitation. My daughters, who are 8 and 6-years-old, consider a much younger neighbor a friend and rush outside to play with her. They consider going to an intensive Bible study an exciting treat because it is our one weekly activity outside the home. One of my children kindly and independently inquired of an older neighbor how she was recovering from her knee surgery. When asked what she would do with a million dollars, my 8-year-old responded that she would buy a plane ticket to Africa so she could tell everyone there about Jesus. And cookies have been voluntarily shared with siblings even when the treats could have been selfishly hoarded with impunity.

Are these small things? Perhaps on the surface they seem so. But I know that this is not normal child behavior, and when I see these things, I whisper a prayer of thanks to God, and am again reassured that we are on the right path.

Cindy Puhek resides in Colorado Springs and has been homeschooling for 5 years. She earned a BS and MA in chemisty and taught college and high school science classes before realizing that God's highest calling for her was making a home for her husband of 12 years and their four children.

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This article was originally published in Home School Enrichment Magazine, a bi-monthly print publication dedicated to inspiring, encouraging and equipping homeschool parents. Click here for more information or to subscribe.